Indus River, Pakistan

The unicorn is a proud and noble creature that has been referenced in art and legend as far back as some of the earliest human civilizations. Over all that time people’s perception of a creature is liable to change drastically. There are some… interesting modern depictions of unicorns that I wanted to discover the truthfulness of, so I found one and asked him.

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SKYE: Alright, I’ve been combing your mane for half an hour now. And you aren’t even going to be on camera. Are you ready to start yet?

UNICORN: Of course! And thank you for helping me with that, dear. It’s hard to maintain such a beautiful head of hair without any hands.

SKYE: …Right. So, first question—

UNICORN: Ask away! I’m sure your viewers will love to hear from such a majestic creature as I.

SKYE: …

UNICORN: Are you quite alright? You look positively livid.

SKYE: Ehem. For my first question I’d like to ask, do you sparkle?

UNICORN: Well of course! I am as dazzling and radiant as a— Oh, you mean that in a literal sense? Then no. I’ve never heard of any furry creature that sparkles naturally. Where did you get that idea?

SKYE: That’s unimportant. Next question. Do you, in any shape or form, secrete rainbows?

UNICORN: Beg pardon?

SKYE: Do rainbows ever come out of your body? Like in the form of poop, farts, or vomit?

UNICORN: What sort of an unholy inquisition is that?! I couldn’t possibly answer such a vulgar question. Why would you even ask something like that?

SKYE: It’s what the people want to know.

UNICORN: Well for your information I would never do anything of the sort! I am appalled that such a thing ever crossed a rational creature’s mind. Absolutely revolting.

SKYE: Well I was also wondering if your snot can be used as a cosmetic.

UNICORN: WELL LOOK AT THE TIME! I just remembered I have to be at work by 3:00, so I must be going.

SKYE: You have a job?

UNICORN: Of course I do, doesn’t everyone?

SKYE: So where do you work, then?

UNICORN: At a bottled water factory. Someone has to purify the stuff, after all.

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